Tip Your Bartender
by maximushyrule
Summary: Link and Zelda befriend the self proclaimed 'ruler of the universe because ruling the world is old' these is their exploits. just in chapt.4!
1. Tip Your Bartender

Tip Your Bartender

"At least the seats are soft. Because… this meeting's boring." Link thought.

"Mr. Link are you paying attention?" The D'Haran ruler Darken Rahl asked.

"No. Because you suck." Link replied.

"You will give me the same respect that I have given you, because I'm beautiful." Darken Rahl said while looking at himself in a silver mirror.

"What respect? You sent your big gay guards after me! And you're not beautiful." Link told Darken.

Zelda decided to stop the conversation before it became a battle. "Link, he runs D'Hara. He is a wizard that can perform subtractive magic. And no, that doesn't mean he can solve any math problems and he's beautiful if he thinks he is.…retard." Zelda said.

Link did not want to come to D'Hara. The king of Hyrule had asked him to go and he couldn't bring himself to refuse the old man. He had been irritable because of the long trip. They had to cross the Hyrulean Sea and travel one-hundred miles along the coast to get to D'Hara. They had just arrived that evening.

It was smaller than any of the lands to the west but it was bigger than the old world to the south.

Darken Rahl was a D'Haran. He had blond hair that came down to his shoulders and he always wore white. He looked perfect and he thought that he was beautiful but inside he was a sick and twisted freak.

"Do you except my offer of peace?" Rahl asked.

Link and Zelda stared at each other with puzzled looks for a while. Finally, Zelda broke the awkward silence.

"O.k. …"

Link turned to Zelda and whispered," And you think _I_ say weird things," He looked Darken Rahl in his cruel blue eyes and said, "Dude, what are you talking about? You sat down and you were like, 'Do you except my offer of peace?'. And what guy thinks he's beautiful? Are you trying to look like me? Because _I'm_ pretty. Pansy. I-"

Link was cut off due to a blast from a dark figure. It was Ganondorf dressed in his usual outfit. Brown boots, pants, and a brown shirt. His hair was short, deep red, and he had a receding hairline. His muscles made him look like a body builder. His skin was forest green and his eyes were the color of amber.

"Now! Most of my enemies are here… in this room… at this moment." Ganondorf said nodding. "Darken is that you? … It is you! What have you been up to lately?" the warlock Ganondorf asked.

"Well, I've been trying to finish some projects I started a while ago and I've continued to stay beautiful of course." Rahl replied.

"_Reeeeeeaaaaaaally?_" Ganondorf said trying to seem interested. "Is that so? Remember how close we were in magic school?" He asked.

"I think I made fun of you. You were never beautiful and it looks like things haven't changed." Rahl told him.

During this whole conversation Zelda was thinking, "Ganondorf went to school?"

Link was thinking, "They must have gone to Hogwarts academy. Because… that would explain why they suck at magic… Retards."

Ganondorf spoke this time. "You did… now! Here's pay back!" Ganondorf fired a blast of dark magic at Darken Rahl. Being the beautiful person that Darken Rahl was, he was focused on the colors of the blast rather than trying to avoid it. He died the way he looked. Beautiful. The colors made a rainbow when they hit him. Before Darken Rahl died his last words were, ''beautiful… I'm so beautiful.'' then he dropped his mirror.

"Ha Ha Ha! Now! I shall skin him… and take his secrets… Because! Now _I'm _the beautiful one!" Ganondorf said feeling triumphant at destroying his schoolyard enemy.

Some D'Haran guards rushed in after they heard the blast. They froze when they saw Ganondorf. It amazed Link how they stood there unable to move even though they were heavily armed and trained to use the axes and swords they carried.

"What's wrong with you? He's right there, just stab him or tackle him or something." Link said.

One of the guards stepped forward and unsheathed his sword. Ganondorf was in the process of cutting Darken Rahl's skin off. The guard looked like he wanted to do something to Ganondorf but instead he turned to Link and said,'' You're the new Lord Rahl. _You_ handle the magic stuff now." The guards left.

Link was tired of watching Ganondorf and he wanted to stretch his tired muscles so he decided to teach the guards how to handle Ganondorf. "Dude, like, every time I turn around I see you. Are you like a stalker or something?"

"Shut up or I'll drop you off at the North Pole and tell Santa you're a lost elf. Now let me finish this so I can take your triforce, green boy." Ganondorf said.

Link was angered by this remark. He hated when people called him an elf. It was probably due to his pointy ears which resembled those of an elf. All hylians had pointy ears for hearing the voices of the goddesses Din, Nayru, and Farore.

Link had brought the master sword with him. He unsheathed it. He could use it because he was a teenager now and he was strong enough to wield it. Just as link was about to strike Ganondorf, somebody jumped in front of him.

It was a girl with blond hair and silver eyes with no pupils. She wore a black shirt with silver pants and her eyes were half closed. She had ears like a Hylian and looked to be about 20. To Link's surprise, she turned to Ganondorf and said, "Like, dude, you just like, killed the guy that raised me, and stuff! I should like, kill you or something." She was smiling an eerie smile, rocked her head from side to side and closed her eyes.

"Are you happy about what he did?" Zelda asked the girl.

"Naw, it sucks 'cause, I'm like an orphan or something now." She replied.

"What's your name?" Link interrogated.

She turned to him, turned her head to the side, folded her arms and said, "I AM The GREAT MAXIMUS RAHL! The Master slash Mistress of D'Hara and all shall bow down to me! Because ! I'm beautiful!"

"Oh come on!" Link said in disbelief. "Your Rahl's clone."

"No! There's two differences." She made a scowl and tipped her head to the side.

"And what would they be?" Zelda asked

"Darken Rahl thought he was beautiful but I _know_ I'm beautiful, and I'm really shady. _Oh ye-ah._" She put her hand to her chin and scowled again.

Ganondorf was finished with taking Darken Rahl's skin and was looking at Zelda. "Now. Hand over your triforce or suffer the consequences of not doing it."

"What are the consequences?" Zelda asked.

"I have to think of them first, but when I do they'll be harsh because I need the triforce."

The triforce was a holy relic made up of three pieces. It was shaped like an equilateral triangle and consisted of three pieces. The top piece stood for power which Ganondorf controlled, the right piece represented courage which Link owned, and the left piece was wisdom and was Zelda's. Whoever had all three pieces could make a wish and it would come true no matter how good or evil it was.

"Dude, give me back his skin, man! D'you know how weird he's like, gonna look with no skin, dude? You suck, you look gay you're a crusty fag. You look like you need to pick some flowers. Can I get you some milk and cookies sweetheart? Heh heh heh." She taunted.

Link noticed that she also had a sword. Hers had a silver sheath and a silver hilt with a black cross guard. Ganondorf made a bag appear and began folding Darken Rahl's skin to put in the bag. Link saw that the Great Maximus Rahl was beginning to get angry and it was getting dark outside.

"You fag, you won't give me his skin back, huh? I've got something for you then," she unsheathed her sword and raised it above her head. In an echo-like voice she said," By the power of Grayskull!"

Link whispered to Zelda that he could tell that The Great Maximus Rahl must have known Darken Rahl because they were both odd. Ganondorf was done folding Rahl's skin and he had put it in the bag.

"Ok Hylians… and you, the great whatever. I'm going to take your triforce." Ganondorf told them.

"I don't have a triforce and I don't need one BECAUSE, I'm a vampire-lycan-yokai-human that can't be defeated. And I'm shady! _Oh ye-ye-ye-ah._ And NOW I shall call my vampire friends who don't like me because I'm not just species and I'm more beautiful than they are!" She said.

The Great Maximus Rahl's canine teeth grew longer and soon the room was filled with vampires. They eyed Link. One slurped and walked up to him.

The Great Maximus Rahl spoke, "Naw, don't attack 'Link' attack this crusty, green gorilla over here." She said pointing to Ganondorf.

The vampire closest to Link sprang forward and sunk his teeth into Link's carotid artery. Link struggled and Zelda tried to pry the vampire off of him but he was stuck like a lamprey on an unsuspecting fish. When he finally got off of Link, what they saw was disturbing. Link now had fangs and The Great Maximus Rahl's pupiless eyes. He was paler and the bite marks in his neck were rapidly disappearing.

Link turned to Maximus Rahl and said," Why did Rahl raise you?"

"Because I was going to be his secret weapon. _Oh ye-ye-ye-ah! _And because he recognized my shadyness." she replied.

"I think your using the word shady the wrong way. What did he want with you?" Link asked her. He looked at the vampire who bit him.

"First I'm not. I have my own definition. It's the highest form of beautiful and coolness. Now, I, the Great Maximus Rahl, am also a wizard. A war wizard… just like yourself… and Darken Rahl, my only family figure who that fag killed. But I'll never call you Lord Rahl because your not cool. _Oh ye-ah_." She told him.

"Wait why does everyone keep calling me Lord Rahl?" Link asked her. His eyes were still on the vampire who bit him.

"Because your gay 'n crusty, and they're probably just saying it to help you feel better about your gayness, you fag," she said laughing. "Oh yeah that's right, like, I'll explain it in a way that you can understand. Now the Lord Rahl has only one heir to D'Hara and the rest are like, rejects. My Lord Rahl didn't have any kids so like, you know, like, I guess your like a relative of his…or something." She mumbled.

"Hey Zelda I have a family!" Link said. He seemed a bit happier even though he was still leering at the vampire who bit him.

"Man, that means I lost the bet about you just spawning off from some bacteria covered rock." She laughed.

Ganondorf was cackling and waving his arms in the air. Smoke started to swirl around his arms and he looked at Zelda. "Now princess, give me your triforce or…or…uh. Who's the blond one again? Oh yeah. Now give me the triforce or I'll knock off sleeping beauty and leave you in front of Disneyland…to have them turn you into a Disney princess and make a Disney-Pixar movie and have it become a Disney classic in 50 years. But you know they'll just drop you after two years and revive your story seven years later when they make a sequel that nobody will remember!"

"You wouldn't dare!" she replied stunned.

"Oh yes, I would. Now hand it over." he told her.

Maximus Rahl looked at Ganondorf and Zelda. "O.k., they've got their own thing going on…" She glanced towards the vampire that Link was focused on. "Lestat, dude, like, I like, need to shank you or something, man. Now he's like me and stuff. And as you know, THERE CAN BE…ONLY ONE! BECAUSE, I AM The GREAT MAX-" she was cut off.

"We know! You sound like a Linkin Park song. You just keep rewinding and repeating yourself. Man, we got it. We know who you are." Zelda told Maximus.

Link sprang at Lestat, the vampire who bit him. He impaled him with the master sword in the heart. The silver of the blade dissolved his undead heart. The other vampires in the room flew over to Lestat. Link was pulling the master sword out and the vampires were feeding off of the fountain of red blood cells and plasma streaming from the fallen vampire.

"CRAP! Look at that! They're just drinking dude's blood, man." Link said with astonishment.

"I wonder will that work on both of those Hylians," Ganondorf said aloud.

"I'm not a vampire, retard." Zelda told Ganondorf.

"Yes, yes," Ganondorf said while rubbing his chin.

"Dude! You killed Kenny! I mean Lestat! Like dude, I had a thing for him and stuff, you know?" Maximus said.

"You liked someone?" Zelda inquired.

"Ewww! Naw, I was like, gonna let him borrow my Donkey

Kong bongos and stuff." Maximus said.

"You don't act your age at all." Zelda told Maximus.

"Dude, how old do you think I am?" Maximus asked.

"Maybe twenty?" Zelda guessed.

"Naw, I'm fourteen, man."

"You're kidding…right?" Zelda asked The Great Maximus

Rahl.

"No, you see I, The Great Maximus Rahl, am the result of steroids and, uh, … chemicals in the milk and stuff. That's why I'm so tall and beautiful. _Oh yeah."_

A loud trampling sound could now be heard from the hall.

"Ha ha! Tinkerbelle! Jolly Green Giant! Give me your triforce or my Darknut army will crush you!" Ganondorf said referring to Link and Zelda.

"No! You keep doing this! Stop, man! Give it up! You're like, 50 and you've been doing this since me and Link were 10!" Zelda told the evil warlock.

"Then die!" Ganondorf commanded.

The Darknut army rushed in the room. They looked like robotic European knights with armor. The only exit was blocked off by Darknut soldiers who Ganondorf was behind. The vampires fled through the window.

" Get your crusty techno fags out of my palace you prick!" Maximus Rahl unsheathed her sword and charged through to make a path through the Darknuts. "Come on!" She yelled to Link and Zelda.

Ganondorf was shocked to see anyone rush through his most powerful troops so easily. He was in awe as she effortlessly cut down his Darknut soldiers to catch up with him.

Link and Zelda were on her heels. The troops couldn't move fast enough to close the gaps that The Great Maximus Rahl was making. The Darknuts numbers were great but Maximus was in a dance with death and was committed to the end. There was no blood but the whole moment had a feeling of heavy metal coursing through it.

Maximus came within Ganondorf's area. Rather than attack him, she forced Link and Zelda forward.

"Like, we're going to my quarters and stuff. I like, have a plan or something. Totally!" Maximus told them.

They raced down the hall while Ganondorf yelled, "You Hylians have no courage…getting a 30 year-old to fight for you!"

When they reached Maximus' quarters, they entered through a grand silver door. The room was large, and what Link and Zelda found inside didn't surprise them at all. Disturbed was throbbing from the Speakers, pictures of dragons and anime lined the walls, shelves were covered with graphic novels, Nintendogs were running around, and the Xbox looked like it was about to explode. Maximus told Link and Zelda to take a seat on the bed which had Dragon Ball Z pillows.

"So what's your plan?" Zelda asked The Great Maximus Rahl.

" To play Halo 2." Maximus answered with enthusiasm.

"I mean about Ganondorf." Zelda corrected The Great

Maximus Rahl.

"Wait this is the good part of the song." Maximus began to sing,

"As the countless numbers HUNGER for world wide RENOWN!

All the pimping Sons Of PLUNDER will roll up their SLEEVES!

While searching for the ANSWERS they don't even CARE TO KNOW!"

That's THE shadiest part of the whole song! Aw, yeah… that's right the crusty fag. Yeah well my guard will hold him off until my plan is done." She mumbled. "First we need some supplies." She had the eerie smile from when Link and Zelda first saw her.

"Tell us what you need." Link said.

" 'kay. I need my Naruto satchel, my Vaio, nano, and three DS's. Take a DS, pass my nano, and put the Vaio in the bag."

They did as they were told and handed her the bag. The three walked out of the room and headed towards where Ganondorf was. They saw the palace guards crying and huddling like abused puppies. Ganondorf was there waiting for them. When they approached he had an evil smirk on his face.

"So! Come to face defeat have you?"

Maximus whispered for Link and Zelda to distract him. Maximus took out her Ipod nano and connected it to her Vaio. She threw the computer and took out the wires. She made a sphere from the plastic parts and stuck all but a green wire inside of it. She split the green wire and held the pieces toward each other. They made a spark.

Maximus removed her Nintendo DS. Link and Zelda followed suit. They all went to the pictochat option and removed the stylus from its compartment. They passed messages between themselves until Maximus began to continue what she had started.

Ganondorf disabled Darknut troops. " I can see that you two are trying to have a little fun before you die but what is MacGyver doing there?" Ganondorf said.

Maximus said words in a language that none of them could understand and rubbed the sphere she created. It began to glow blue and the silver pieces made the sphere look like a disco ball. She plugged the nano in the sphere and turned the volume up to the highest percent. Everyone was wondering what Maximus had planned.

She spun the wheel for a while until she found a song.

"Wanna listen to one of my favorite songs? Y'know… I can except defeat. No hard feelings?" Maximus had that eerie smile again.

"Usually not my favorite type but since you're offering it out of peace…" Ganondorf grabbed the headphones and quickly put them on. Maximus pushed play and Ganondorf screamed a blood curdling scream.

"I can except defeat but I'm never beaten." She laughed at Ganondorf for a while. "At least he gets to die to a cool song." She began to sing again, " You wanna know why?…

I let my innocence die…

You made me bury something

I won't be sleeping tonight…

Now I've been labeled a renegade…

You're no immortal

I won't let them!

Deify you…"

"Why do you keep singing?" Link shouted to Maximus.

"Because it's a shady song, man. It's a shady song." she yelled slowly.

Ganondorf was wailing in pain. The funk metal was earsplitting and he was at its source. The music was so loud that it sounded like Disturbed was playing right in front of them.

The silver sphere that emitted the funk metal sounds of Disturbed began to rise. It became a disco ball . It took 4 minutes and 18 seconds for Ganondorf to die and when he did his Darknuts disappeared and his head exploded. Link inspected him to make sure that he was really dead. There was blood and brain fluid everywhere.

"Dude that was cool, man! I didn't think his head would blow up! That was raw!" Maximus said with excitement in her voice.

"Now that everything is over, me and Zelda can go home. Yes!" Link said.

"No you can't," Maximus told them.

"And why not?" Link asked.

"Well like Disturbed would say," Maximus began to sing once more, " They view… you as the new Lord Rahl!"

"Who is 'they' ? " Link asked.

"Aw screw it. Those people'll just have to deal me, The-"

"Great Maximus Rahl!" Link and Zelda said in unison.

"You suck." Maximus added.

"C'mon Zelda, let's get out of this 'crusty' country."

The trio said their goodbyes and Link and Zelda left for home. When they were out of sight, The Great Maximus Rahl touched her finger tips.

"First D'Hara then … the Mushroom Kingdom and Europe. …Yes…yes."

This might be the end of my story so you can stop reading if you want.

I intended to make this story a fable but, I screwed up and didn't feel like writing it over but, it does have a moral. It's Tip Your Bartender. I also want to acknowledge that I made a parody of almost everything I could. I hope I insulted everybody J

Copyright November 2005.

The characters Link Zelda, Darknuts, Mushroom Kingdom and Ganondorf are the property of Nintendo. Darken Rahl and D'Hara are the property of Terry Goodkind and Tor books. Lestat is the property of Anne Rice. The Great Maximus Rahl is my own creation and I reserve the right to make up whatever weird story I want and include her in it. Most of the pictures are the courtesy of Google except the one of The Great Maximus Rahl. I drew that one and messed it up on my computer that's why the lines are weird. The songs that The Great Maximus Rahl sings are 'Deify' and 'Son of a Plunder' from the Disturbed C.D., Ten Thousand Fists on Warner Bros. records.


	2. Project Mayhem

Project mayhem

The great Maximus Rahl was walking down the corridor of her European palace when she reached the grand double doors that lead to where she would be meeting her acquaintances Link and Zelda.

It had been month's since she had last seen them. She had recently taken over the mushroom kingdom and had started her quest to rule Europe. So far, she had Germany, Russia, Greece and her new addition, the united kingdom under her control.

Her guards opened the doors and she stepped in. they saluted her when she walked by.

Maximus Rahl had platinum blonde hair and silver eyes with no pupils. She was 14 years old and 6 feet tall. She was nearly perfect like Darken Rahl, the ruler of D'Hara her home land. He raised her from the time that she was able to chase cuckoos the local bird until recently when he was killed and skinned by a warlock named Ganondorf. He had groomed her to be his prodigy of abnormality and she learned like a professional.

When she stepped in she saw lick, Zelda, and someone else along with some kings and queens of Europe. She recognized the other person as her enemy Tyson the prince of Calatia.

"YOU! What are you doing here! This is my palace! I stole, stabbed and beat up the queen of England for this place! Get out! Why are you here for Calatia?" Maximus yelled at Tyson.

"I'm here because my dad sent me. He wants me to be the ambassador you fag. …God … idiot." Tyson sighed.

Tyson was older but not as tall as Maximus. He had black hair and eyes and a gigantic afro and a mustache. Tyson had average muscle size and was 18 years old even though he look like he was 30.

"I know what I have to do to get rid of you." Maximus said. She pushed her cape back and revealed six poke balls. She grabbed the one to her right and pressed the center to enlarge it.

Tyson also had poke balls. He took out one of his. " you dare to challenge me prince Tyson the cool? Bring it on." Tyson yelled.

Link knew he had to stop this before something screwed up happened. "since when do you to know each other?" he asked.

"since this prick thought he was so cool." Maximus told him.

Zelda spoke up. "that doesn't explain how you two know each other."

"I've known this sci-fi reject since she was eight years old. My dad, the king of Calatia sent me to D'Hara to train to be the ambassador and when she left there, t had to the ambassador for this knew place … England … or whatever it's called." Tyson explained.

"I'm changing the name to Rahlland … BECAUSE it's a pretty cool name and only someone as cool as the Great Maximus Rahl could come up with it." Maximus said.

"You mean someone as dumb as the great Maximus Rahl could come up with it." Tyson taunted.

Maximus began to talk like Vegeta.

"Yeah, nice come back but YOU … have gone too far … and NOW! YOU SHALL SUFFER the CONSEQUENCES … that I, … THE GREAT Maximus Rahl have made incase I ever saw YOU … around MY palace … you fag … I THE GREAT Maximus RAHL… CHALLENGE YOU TO A BATTLE!"

The other people in the room were freaking out. 'Oh my' and 'dear' were heard frequently now. None of the other people in the room knew what she meant by battle, but they guessed that it had something to do with pokemon.

"I, Prince Tyson the cool of Calatia, accept your challenge. I accept it because I'm a prince and an attractive on at the that."

Maximus released a Typhlosion and Tyson released his Venonat. A servant came in and asked everyone if they would care for a drink. Link and Zelda ordered milk. The servant returned seconds later with everyone's requests.

Tyson began to prepare for the battle, meanwhile Maximus walked over to Link and Zelda.

"I see your drinking 2. … is it because you think your fat? Well, your not. You could be drinking whole milk if you wanted."

"can I buy some pot from you?" Zelda asked.

"Amsterdam or Columbian?"

" … I'm not gonna even answer that." Zelda told her.

Maximus got ready for the battle. She gave her Typhlosion instructions on how to defeat Venonat. When the battle began, Typhlosion used a flame wheel and instantly killed the Venonat.

"I, the Great Maximus Rahl , have won. I shall now take one of your pokemon as a reward for having won against… Afro Thunder." Most of the people in the room were completely freaked out by now.

"The only pokemon that I Tyson the cool have with me are Abra and the cutest pokemon Pikachu."

"PIKACHU IS NOT THE CUTEST POKEMON! THE POKEMON IS TEDDIURSA! …I will take your Abra." She took the poke ball and they took their seats.

One of the people in the room stood up and spoke.

"now that the interruption is over, we can begin our conference. A wizard named Shitsuya has been killing diplomats all over Europe. He was last seen at 2 Hyde Park Square 10 minutes ago. We have code named this mission 'project mayhem'."

"We decided that we need someone cruel and unusual for this mission, so we chose you two." Zelda said nodding towards Maximus and Tyson.

"Well then you've picked the right person," Tyson leaned towards Zelda. "Hey why don't you ditch the loser and hook up with me, Prince Tyson the cool."

"I don't think so." Zelda told him.

"ay! You get away from her! She's my friend!" link yelled.

"I don't see your name on her did you mark her as your territory?" Tyson asked.

Maximus licked Zelda's arm. " there deal with it. Heh heh heh"

Everyone in the room responded with an 'ewwwwww'

"you two belong together!" Zelda said in disgust.

Link laughed so hard that he almost cried. "you ever seen a more perfect couple Zelda? Think about it. They're alike in almost every way. Hey we should get going."

When they arrived that evening Maximus bought a water pistol and a super-soaker. They saw Shitsuya beating up Tony Blair with a scone. When he saw them, he let the prime minister go and came towards them.

He had orange eyes and green hair. He was a giant. Maximus squirted Shitsuya with the super-soaker. He tried to attack Zelda but he stopped dead in his tracks. Everyone knew what had happened. Maximus used her magic to temporally paralyze Shitsuya. She put away her super-soaker and got out her water pistol.

She walked up to Shitsuya and began to pistol whip him with the water gun.

She started to talk to him while she was pistol whipping him. "What's my name?"

"snoop doggy dog!" he answered.

"It's the GREAT Maximus Rahl! Get it right! NOW WHAT'S MY NAME?"

"the great Maximus Rahl!" he cried.

"GOOD! And I'm rollin' on WHAT? "

"On dubs!" Maximus hit Shitsuya 10 times harder.

"On WHAT?"

"On 24's!" he said with tears in his eyes. Link and Zelda were amazed at what Maximus Rahl could do with a water pistol. Maximus told Tyson that it was his turn to get a hit in. before he started, Shitsuya yelled.

"Wait! Maximus , I am your father."

"darken Rahl is my dad! But he died so now Vegeta is my dad." Maximus told.

"no he's not. He kidnapped you from your mother and me. But we can go home to the ranch now. I'll even forget that you pistol whipped me." Shitsuya said.

"… Gay dad, … I can't go. I have to take over the world, then I have to rule the galaxy. … the milky way galaxy. …then the WORLD WILL HAVE TO BOW BEFORE BECAUSE I AM … THE GREAT Maximus Rahl! THE MASTER SLASH MISTRESS OF THE D'Hara AND SOON TO BE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! …Come back when I'm 15. … I should be done by then.."

Tyson wanted to beat up Shitsuya but Maximus told him that she'd lick everything that he owned if he touch Shitsuya.

Everyone got ready to leave and everyone said goodbye except for Maximus who said, 'Sayonara Ritz crackers … you peanut butter and jelly fags!"

When everyone was gone, Maximus took out a sheet of paper and a pen. She scratched something out and said. "Next Africa and then Asia. Yes…yes…"


	3. Mu Empire

MU Empire:

"It smells like mashed potatoes," the great Maximus Rahl said. "I really like mashed potatoes. They're shady. … mashed potatoes. Oh yes! Mashed potatoes! Mm."

The Great Maximus Rahl was from D'Hara. She was 14 years old, six feet tall, platinum blond, and who many people considered to be one of the weirdest people in the world. Maximus Rahl was what she called a vampire-lycan-yokai-human.

Maximus was dressed in black leather and at her right hip hung an elegant sword.

She was raised by Darken Rahl, an evil, ruling wizard from her homeland D'Hara. He died recently and she found out that her real parents were gay cowboys.

She began a quest to rule the universe. Her plan was to take over the world first, continent by continent.

This one evening, Maximus Rahl was having dinner with her 'acquaintances' Link and Zelda, in her African palace.

"What is it with you and mashed potatoes all of a sudden? I don't smell any mashed potatoes." Link said.

There was a loud gobble heard in the distance.

"Was that a gobble?" Zelda asked.

There was a rumbling in the distance. It felt like an earthquake was happening. Link, Zelda and Maximus got under the table.

"What the fuck is goin' on?" Link yelled. He heard what he thought was a peck. There was a gigantic hole in the side of the hotel room. They looked outside and saw an eye and heard a loud gobble.

Maximus Rahl unsheathed her sword and ran from underneath the table. She jumped out of the window and landed on top of a gigantic turkey. The moon was full. The lycan side of the Great Maximus Rahl came out now.

"OH YES TURKEY! I SMELLED MY DINNER WHEN IT WAS IN THE JUNGLE!" she yelled. She tried to eat the giant turkey but she couldn't get through the feathers. The turkey shook her off and she was knocked unconscious. She returned to her regular form.

It ran away gobbling and Link and Zelda came from under the table. They ran outside and found the great Maximus Rahl knocked out… and covered in feathers.

"I know this 'crackhead' did not try to eat the giant turkey! My god!" Link said. He picked up the great Maximus Rahl and took her into the hotel. When they got to their room, an officer was waiting for them. He had a scientist with him. The great Maximus Rahl woke up.

"That turkey's gonna taste bitchin'! " she licked her lips.

" That's what I came to talk to you about. The one hundred foot turkey is named Henrietta. She was an experiment gone wrong. We were trying to make the ultimate bird for Thanksgiving. It was supposed to be one hundred pounds and poo mashed potatoes and pee gravy but an insane boy fell in love with Henrietta and made the scientist spill some chemicals on her. She's just trying to find her lost love." the scientist said.

Zelda was a little confused by the story. "Excuse my language but who the hell falls in love with a turkey?"

"Me." everyone except the great Maximus Rahl turned around. "I, prince Tyson the cool, am madly in love with Henrietta."

"Oh god, another jackass." Link said with a sigh.

Tyson began to cry "I treated her so wrong. I cheated on her with big bird. But we broke up and now I've got to get Henrietta back… before she divorces me."

The cop in the room looked at Tyson like he was a retard. "we have to take the turkey out. There is no other way. We have assembled an army and-" he was cut by the great Maximus Rahl.

"Call off your army. I AM THE RULER AND I, THE GREAT Maximus Rahl SHALL ASSEMBLE THE WORLDS GREATEST WARRIORS… BECAUSE I AM …THE GREAT Maximus Rahl! THE LORD Rahl OF D'HARA AND EUROPE… AND NOW AFRICA! … first we have to go to my secret headquarters."

"I hope its not some place stupid like, NOWHERE!" Tyson taunted Maximus. Maximus simply smiled. On the way to her headquarters she clucked, gobbled, and asked everyone what they were thankful for. Tyson started to cry really hard, sort of like a bitch.

They ended up underground. Everyone was lead to a door where a password was needed. Maximus said "any way you like it!" and the door slid opened. Every walked in. the room was dark and only shapes could be made out.

"I wouldn't like to introduce you to my cohorts but, I will anyway." She pointed to a circular shaped man. "this is general Ritz. He's our five bacon bit general." She pointed to a rectangular man, "this is lieutenant Keebler, our remarkable stracheesist " she pointed to an odd shaped man. "And this is our newest member, captain 'jack' Animal."

Someone turned the lights on to reveal a Ritz, Keebler, and an animal cracker. The Ritz and Keebler crackers had string cheese for limbs and wore boots of celery. The animal cracker wore only sprinkles.

"You cant be serious." Zelda said. "are they real or did you just bake them?"

"they are real and we have to move. SO! Off we shall go." Maximus said.

Everybody was seriously creeped out but they didn't ask questions. They walked out and went to the surface.

"now, I am fluent in gobbledygook so I'll like, call my dinner, or something. Tyson you bitch if I can't get it your gonna have to try." Maximus said. She began to gobble extremely loud. Maximus realized that she needed to get loud so she got her pokemon loudred to amplify her voice.

"If you hurt Henrietta I'll kill you chicken-chaser!" Tyson told her.

After a few minutes the ground began to rumble and Henrietta appeared.

Tyson gobbled and said. "Henrietta baby please don't leave me! I love you." he clucked. "what you have a lawyer?" he gobbled. "Denise Moreno! Oh god why her? She'll ruin me! Please don't leave me!" he clucked again. "oh well then. Evil monkey in my closet!" Tyson yelled.

An evil monkey dressed in a suit came out of some nearby bushes. It made an evil face and pointed at Henrietta.

The cop tried to shoot Henrietta but Link and Zelda stopped him. The scientist ran behind a bush and began to write about this encounter. The general, lieutenant and captain prepared to fight the 100 foot turkey.

"Mmmmmmm! The best dinner… I'm going to have!" Maximus said.

The scientist yelled from behind the bush. " she's as big as Godzilla! You have to stop her. I think she's knocked up and pregnant chicks, I mean turkeys, are crazy."

Henrietta pecked at the ground and ate the general, the lieutenant, the captain, and Tyson's lawyer the evil monkey. Everyone else dodged it.

The great Maximus Rahl freaked out because the turkey ate her fellow commanders. She turned into a lycan. She had the same eyes and face but she was now covered in short black fur.

"the great Maximus Rahl's dinner… powered by Tyson." the great Maximus Rahl ran around the turkey. She climbed to the top of its head and yelled 'licky!' she unsheathed her sword and cut the turkeys head off. She dived in the turkeys body.

Link and Zelda tried to comfort Tyson as the great Maximus Rahl devoured his wife. The cop couldn't believe what he saw and the scientist came from behind the bush and was really mad because his life's work was being eaten by a girl who gobbled and was friends with three crackers.

Ten minutes later the corpse of Henrietta was ripped open and Maximus stepped out. She had changed back to her normal self.

"you just keep getting weirder." Zelda told her.

"really? I should start paying more attention because I only see myself getting sexier." Maximus said in response.

"you suck! You killed my wife now who will peck away my troubles?" Tyson began to cry again.

"well now that that's over I guess we can leave. C'mon Zelda, let's go before one of them falls in love with something else that's screwed up." Link told her.

Maximus stopped them. "wait, we have to do something before you leave. Now my subjects hold hand and we shall since the song of victory!" Maximus began to sing the level complete song on yoshi's story. When they were done she said. "the page turned and the great Maximus Rahl grew sexier."

The scientist, Link, Zelda, Tyson, and the cop all ran away in fear of being freaked out anymore.

When they were gone Maximus pulled out a sheet of paper and a pen. She scratched out something. "Asia, then Australia. Yes…yes."

Incase you were wondering there's a song called Mu Empire. I was sort of making fun of it because it centers around irony and coldness and the story is set in Africa. Download it and see what else is ironic. And I'll tell you one you'd probably never guess.. The Mu Empire was in the east and the story is in the west

Review if you like the story Copyright 20-06


	4. Cosmopolitan Bloodloss

Cosmopolitan Bloodloss

The great Maximus Rahl was walking down a Tokyo street. Since she had captured Asia a month ago, she had a new mission. It was to meet the man behind the song. Mr. Roboto.

She took out her cell phone and text her comrades Link and Zelda to find their positions. Within seconds she had their locations and began to walk down an alley.

She made a sharp turn and found her comrades and the one she had been looking for.

"Well, well Mr. Roboto. I see you've met my friends." The great Maximus Rahl said slowly.

"I won't reveal my secrets! You can do what you want to me but I wont help you."

"But aren't you the modern man …who hides behind a man… with parts made here in Japan?" she questioned. " Look, I just need the… 411 on the streets. You see… a cracker of mine was kidnapped a while ago. His name's Tyson. You know anything 'bout what happened to him?"

Mr. Roboto hesitated and looked at Link and Zelda. Their faces showed disbelief and nothing else. He finally turned to Maximus and said, "He was taken by the YIP! bunnies."

"yes. I've encountered them… before. But why would they betray their master?" she replied.

"What are YIP! Bunnies?" Zelda asked.

"They are a race of bunnies that have been created for the sole purposes of attacking and annoying other creatures… While being freakishly cute."

"What does YIP! mean." Link asked.

"It's their battle call. They yell YIP! when they attack you… with a pen laser."

"a pen laser." Zelda said.

"that's right."

"who's their master?" Link inquired.

"Me. But they're not supposed to attack civilians… unless they have it coming… but they should have left Tyson alone. I told them he was mine to attack." Maximus told them. "Mr. Roboto, …your coming with us…," after a few seconds she said, "**my god **I feel so… sexy." then she took out a mirror and began to look at herself. She text once more and put away her mirror.

"He should be at their headquarters," Mr. Roboto said.

"yes, we shall leave at once." Maximus said.

"Let's get this over with. I've been freaked out in the last month more than any normal person should be." Link said.

They followed Maximus to what was the old emperors palace. They walked passed the guards and went to a private room which again need a password. This time Maximus said," The package has been stolen."

A girl with golden hair and blue eyes opened the door. She was taller than Zelda but not taller than Link. When she saw Maximus she was instantly pissed.

"Damn you! Your damn bunnies got out again! And if you put anymore of those fucking bunnies in my stuff, I'll strangle you!"

"I love you too, baby." Maximus smiled because she was being sarcastic. "and the only REASON why you have so many BUNNIES in your crap is because it's their birthing place. You see, they love you **so** much that they want you to see all of their little bunnies."

"It's been a long time since I've been in here." Mr. Roboto said.

The girl turned to Link and Zelda. "Hello, I'm Smoke."

They both said hello and shook hands with her.

"Is Smoke a nickname?" Zelda asked her.

"Yeah. Since we were little kids."

"Where are my manners? I, the GREAT Maximus Rahl, would like to introduce you to my BEST friend, Smoke."

"You have a friend? That's not one of us? And a best friend?" Zelda said.

"Yes… And she's not a hostage. She thinks I'm cool. How do you think I put up with Tyson's bitch ass for so long? When we were kids, we'd piss his gay ass off." Maximus told her.

"I'm sick and tired of those damn bunnies! They kidnapped some kid too. Let's get that bitch Tyson out so we can hang out." Smoke told them.

"I see you've been killing them." Maximus looked down to see 10 bunny heads. "well then! That's just 10,000 more bunnies… in your stuff,… I advised you to stop. Then your moms gonna get… suspicious… again."

"She's always … suspicious." Smoke said with a smile. Smoke threw Maximus into a wall. They both went through and were followed by Link, Zelda, and Mr. Roboto.

They were in a cave. The walls were covered with a slimy liquid and the ceiling was low. There were prisoners in a cell. One was a little boy another one was about 15 with blue hair. The rest were old guys. None of them looked like Tyson.

"This is Kagan's work." Mr. Roboto said.

"Who is Kagan?" Link asked.

"He's a vampire who's trying to take over the world." Maximus told him.

Link ran up to the cell and tried to break it down with his Master Sword but the bars were too thick. Zelda tried to use magic on it but it wouldn't work. The prisoners started to talk to them.

The older boy said," Kagan used the blood of vampires to make some sort of shield around the cell. He said the he was waiting for someone named Maximus," he looked at Link. "are you Maximus?"

Link shook his head and pointed to Maximus. He told the boy that she was who Kagan was looking for. The Great Maximus Rahl was looking at the boy who was talking to Link. She looked hypnotized by him. She came up to the cell.

" I think that your beautiful. Would you like to become my prince? We can skip all that getting to know you crap… I …THE GREAT Maximus Rahl, WANT YOU."

"Do I even know you?"

"You will…soon enough, baby!" Maximus told him. "Well I guess I'll get these bars off of you. The EMPRESS of the universe… will not be spending her… nights in a cave…with her prince." Maximus turned in a yokai. She had the shape of a human but her hair was spiked and dark. Her eyes were black and her muscles were tensed. Yokai were demons that looked like humans. They terrorized the people of Japan in the 1500s but were now nearly extinct.

Maximus swung a fist at the bars. They broke with a crashing thud. YIP! Bunnies flooded the room. Almost everyone was blinded by the pen lasers they carried. Maximus, however, was immune to them and easily disabled them.

"Now,… that I… have freed you my prince… we'll kill Kagan and get hitched." Maximus said.

"Thank you for getting me out but, I'm not interested in marriage. By the way my name is Phillip. I was put in here because Kagan thought I was someone else."

The other prisoners stepped out. An old guy said," you have to kill Kagan. He's in South America because everybody knows that vampires can't go in the sun. he's trying to trick you."

Maximus said, "Tyson's probably with him…I've got a surprise for him … also,"

Smoke looked at her and said, " I know that look. What are you gonna do?"

"We're goin' to the United States."

They were escorted out of the dungeon and to the airport. When they got to the united states, Maximus went to the white house. She jumped the fence and ran passed the machine guns. Secret service was cut down by her sword. A S.W.A.T. team was sent but they posed no threat to her. When she got to the oval office, she found the president under the table with a Gameboy.

She kicked him in the balls and said, " Silly president, the world is for Maximus."

At about this time, the army was pissed so they started to shoot at the white house. Everyone Maximus was with ran into the room. Maximus was tired of hearing the tanks shoot at the building so she went outside and chirped them to death.

She sent a text. It said :

I'm takn ovr da world so I'm jakn da wyte hows 2 git da u s

den il kil Kagan and latr im gona kil al dem penguins

Maximus wasn't seen again until the next day, but she was on the news. It went like this:

Today the world got a new ruler. She goes by the name The Great Maximus Rahl. She claims to be from a place called D'Hara. So far she has told us that she's fourteen and is a vampire. As you may have known, she has taken over Europe, Asia and Africa. This afternoon she added south America, Australia, north America, and Antarctica to her list of credentials.

Maximus appeared on the screen along with some YIP! Bunnies, and Tyson. She was holding a head and talking like a hillbilly. She said:

"Oh yeah that's right… this is how I …the Great Maximus Rahl took over the world. First I found the infamous Mr. Roboto,… who gave me the …411 on the streets. Then I found Kagan's hideout and I went to the U.S. . I jacked the White House from that cracker Bush and got North America. Then I gathered my Yip! Bunny troops and killed all of his vampires with my …pen lasers of death… I cut off Kagans head and took over South America. And found this cracker."

When everybody saw this they were astonished and scared. They didn't know if she staged the whole thing or she was telling the truth. The interview continued with the newscaster asking her about capturing Australia. Maximus told her:

"I hate Australia! Those fucking kangaroos kept fighting me! Every time I turned around I had to box one of 'em. And the gay ass army tried to go against me! Freakin' Australians think they can fight me…. They too, fell at the tips of my pen lasers."

There were videos of Australian troops being annoyed to death by the Yip! Bunnies. Some were annoyed so much that they begged Maximus to kill them. Link, Zelda, and Phillip now believed the Maximus had taken over the world. Smoke had never doubted that she did.

The newscaster was still asking Maximus questions even though she seemed to be freaked out as well. She asked Maximus about Antarctica. Maximus replied:

"In Antarctica I decided to finish off an old ally of my Yip! Bunnies enemy. The penguins sided with the toucans and duckies in the great war. The Yip! Bunnies were alone and outnumbered but we still won… and are now the most annoying."

They turned the TV off and Maximus and Tyson stepped in. she had changed clothes and was wearing a t-shirt and tripp pants. Two national guards escorted them in.

" Hello, children. How have you been since I was gone? Have you seen the news?" Maximus asked them.

Link and Zelda were nearly speechless. They had been with her in all of her adventures and listened to her rants about ruling the universe and now she was on step closer to her goal.

"I'm proud of you. I guess." Zelda said.

"dido." Link said.

"Are you some kind of demon?" Phillip asked.

"Kinda… but I The Great Maximus Rahl… prefer the name… Yokai." she said.

"Maximus you know that with the world comes great responsibility, correct?" Mr. Roboto was talking. "these people will need to be cared for and protected and being an empress is not an easy job."

"Yeah, I know. I got all that covered. I ended world hunger and brought peace to the … middle east." Maximus answered.

Smoked asked, "how did you do that?"

"It took Twinkies! Twinkies along with peanut butter and jelly and plenty of time." Maximus told her.

Maximus and Mr. Roboto went to one side of the oval office and began to catch up on current events. Tyson and Philip talked to each other. Link and Zelda asked Smoke about Maximus.

"How long have you known her?" Zelda asked

"Like a long time. Since we were like two or three years old." Smoke told her.

"Has she always been this weird?" Link asked.

Smoke replied, "She's weird? I've always considered her to be kind of funny."

It was getting late so everyone decided to go to sleep. Before they left for their rooms, Maximus said, " Tomorrow, we start taking over planets but…" she hesitated.

"But what?" Smoke asked.

"But… I'VE LOST MY MOJO!" Maximus yelled.

"That's it!" Zelda said.

"Fuck staying here," Link said "were leaving."

Everybody bounced after that especially Phillip, because Maximus was looking at him inappropriately. When they were gone Maximus sighed and pulled out a sheet of paper. She scratched off a few things and said, "Mars or Venus? … Mars. … yes… yes.

You have now entered the techno realm. All of your thoughts belong to me. Komputer Kontroller iz on the beat. Robot Rockerz can you feel the heat?


End file.
